"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
