Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
