I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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