If i come over, it means nothing
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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