Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
