it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
