mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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