Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
