i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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