There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
