I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
