and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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