I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
