i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize