i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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