I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
