I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
