I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
