I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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