My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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