I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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