how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
