don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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