someone threw a dead crab at me
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i will never coherently bang her
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
