When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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