just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
