so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
