I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
