Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
