I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I am one with the molecules
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
