Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
