There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
