Moan for me like Helen Keller
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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