it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
