mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
