Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize