And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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