Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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