please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
