god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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