I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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