i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
