I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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