You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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