I'm really into asian looking animals
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
