an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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