he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
