Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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