I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
