She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
