god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
