I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
