he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
