ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
