mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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