dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
