her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
